You should expect that anything you post on social networking sites such as Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, etc., can and will be used against you in your divorce case or post-divorce case.  However, you don’t need to delete all your social networking profiles, provided you understand that a family law judge may read them one day.  If you are comfortable with that, keep using social media.  However, you should probably limit your social media to photos, videos and matters that are innocuous, i.e. matters that are not controversial or offensive.  Dull is good when it comes to social networking sites and divorce matters.

     I recall one former client who testified in court that she never drank alcohol.  However, her social network profile had a picture of her partying with her friends and clearly having a drink.

      A number of attorneys now search social networking sites to get background information, i.e. “dirt” on their client’s spouse or ex-spouse.

     What about e-mail?  Assume that your spouse is able to read all of your e-mail.  So, if you are starting the divorce process, get a new e-mail account. Better yet, if you can afford it, get a new computer—preferably a laptop so you can take it with you.  If you are sharing a computer with your soon to be ex-spouse, assume that you have no privacy and that he/she can and will not only read and copy all of your e-mails, but they will also know each web site you have visited.

Finally, if your spouse leaves the residence, you should still get a new computer or have your computer swept for spyware.  I know of one case where a husband left a very specific type of spyware on the home computer and he could read every e-mail that his wife wrote or received and every web site she visited, even though he no longer lived at home.

This all may sound a bit paranoid, but forewarned is forearmed.

An ounce of prevention in the digital age—where information travels at the speed of light—can be worth a pound of cure.

     However, it is both sexist and just plain wrong to assume that only women can receive spousal support and that women never pay spousal support to men.   The California Family Code is gender neutral and family law courts can and routinely do order wives and ex-wives to pay spousal support to their husbands or ex-husbands.

     Remember, that unless otherwise agreed, spousal support payments are tax deductible to the payor and are taxable to the payee.   However, to obtain the tax deduction, there must be either a court order, judgment or written agreement requiring one party to pay spousal support to the other.

     Here in California, there is a presumption that in a short term marriage, which is defined as a marriage of less than 10 years, spousal support will last no more than one-half the length of the marriage.   However, that is presumption and can be rebutted.   Importantly, a party receiving spousal support should always keep in mind that it is the public policy of the State of California that they become self-supporting within a reasonable period of time, and the failure to do so may be one of the factors a family court considers in reducing or terminating spousal support.

“Don’t let or allow your children to lose their childhood in your divorce.”

“You don’t have to have 50/50 custody to be a 50/50 parent.  Quantity of time is less important than the relationship you build with your child.”

“Don’t abdicate responsbility for your bad behavior to your lawyers.”

First, you must be candid with your lawyer. One of the biggest problems attorneys face are clients who don’t disclose damaging information early in their case. I recall one former client who, only ten minutes before a custody hearing, revealed to me that he had a six-month-old arrest and conviction for drug use. You can bet the other side already knew about it. Your attorney can help with damage control if you tell him or her the “bad” news from the start, or whenever it happens. It usually turns out that something a client thinks is very bad isn’t, or can be mitigated.

Second, be honest about your assets and debts. The last thing you want to do is to try to hide money or property from your spouse. Remember that you, and not your attorney, signs the financial declarations under penalty of perjury.

Third, your divorce lawyer is your advocate, not your therapist or financial guru. There is no substitute for a good therapist to help you through the emotional ups and downs of divorce, and a good financial planner.

Fourth, tell your divorce attorney what’s most important to you. It may be more time with the children, the house, or a favorite antique. Your attorney is not a mind reader. You and your attorney are a “team.” It’s OK to ask your attorney what you can do to keep costs down and help expedite your case through the system. Be proactive and involved.

Finally, don’t get hung up on the “pots and pans.” Remember that all your furniture, furnishings and appliances are valued at the money you could get them at the local swap meet or garage sale. Unless you have art or antiques that can be appraised, there’s no use spending new money in attorney fees and court costs to get old furniture and appliances. Today, these items are commodities and unless you purchased furniture as art, it doesn’t make sense spending thousands of dollars to fight over that old sofa.

Ms. Rossi never told her husband about her lottery winnings while they were married. The parties’ divorce judgment said they had made a full disclosure of all gifts and property. It also provided that a party who failed to disclose an asset that was later discovered would pay its full market value to the other party. This is common divorce judgment language. Ms. Rossi never mentioned the lottery winnings and she arranged to have the money mailed to her mother’s house.

But, the postman always rings twice and Mr. Rossi found out about his ex-wife’s lottery winnings when he got a letter in the mail offering to buy out lottery winnings. He moved to set aside the divorce judgment on grounds of fraud, breach of fiduciary duty, and failure to disclose. He asked the trial court to award him 100 percent of the lottery money plus attorneys’ fees. The trial court ruled that Ms. Rossi had intentionally breached her fiduciary duty to Mr. Rossi by concealing the winnings from him. It awarded Mr. Rossi 100 percent of the winnings. Ms. Rossi appealed, but lost.

The lesson of this story should be obvious: Parties in a California divorce have a duty to disclose all of their assets, debts, liabilities and income, whether they believe them to be community or separate property. This is the law, no ifs, ands, or buts. You must list this information on your Preliminary and Final Declarations of Disclosure. And it doesn’t hurt to have a private investigator run a propety check on your spouse sometime after the divorce is over. Mr. Rossi learned of his wife’s lottery winnings by chance through the mail. Who knows, you may have won the lottery and not even know it.

“Flexibility” has become the new buzzword in family law with respect to custody of minor children. Gone, it appears are the days of the primary custodial parent (historically the mother) telling the father that he can only see the kids on the days listed in their court order. As one family law expert stated, “We are entering the era of ’21st century parenting.’ ”

The new case of In re Marriage of Melville (2004) 122 Cal.App 4th 601, sets forth the current thinking of the Court of Appeal, that trial judges in the family courts are supposed to follow. The justices in the Melville case said that the primary custodial parent should not only follow the court order regarding visitation, but must also be flexible. The lesson here: Don’t deny your ex-spouse some extra time with the kids if you receive reasonable advance notice of the request. Of course, there may be exceptions, – such as cases involving domestic violence, substance abuse and cases that require monitored and supervised visitation for one party. If you’re not in one of those categories, you may want to consider being flexible when it comes to sharing the kids. If you can’t agree with your ex-spouse, the court order controls until modified.

Grandparent visitation rights survive in California. The California Supreme Court says that Family Code section 3104, which provides grandparents with visitation rights in divorce cases, is constitutional and is not overturned by the U.S. Supreme Court’s decision of a few years ago in the Troxel case. Still, grandparents have an uphill battle for visitation with their grandchildren.

Spousal support may include money for savings. In Marriage of Wittgrove (2004) 120 Cal.App. 4th 1317, the Court of Appeal said it was okay for a trial court to use a history of savings as part of the status quo when determining spousal support. In that case, father argued that mother’s spousal support needs didn’t include savings. Both the trial court and the Court of Appeal disagreed.

A better strategy may be to sell the house, divide the money and purchase a less expensive residence. That way you still keep your community property interest in your ex-spouse’s pension, which means that you’ll have that income for retirement. Additionally, you can start your own IRA after the divorce. I generally caution my women clients not to trade their interest in their husband’s pension, especially government pensions, for the house. Government pensions are generous, backed by the government, and often come with cost of living increases. Before trading the pension for the house, you must consider not just where you are financially today, but where you will be at the age of retirement and beyond.

One of the biggest mistakes women make in divorce is not having a clear picture of their finances. If your husband has been the one handling all the money, it is time to get financially educated. Your divorce attorney is not a financial advisor, but should be able to point you in the right direction and suggest resources to help you become financially educated. Make sure you have a clear picture of your finances before giving up your interest in that pension or 401(k) for the house.

Marriage of Brown and Yana involved a divorced mom’s plan to move from San Luis Obispo County to Las Vegas, Nevada with their 12-year-old son Cameron and mom’s children with her new husband. Dad opposed the move and the inevitable move-away battle began in the trial court. The trial court appointed an attorney for Cameron, who reported that Cameron was “a conflicted young man” who said “different things at different times, based upon who he happened to be with at the time.”

At the end of the day, mom got to move with Cameron and her new husband to Las Vegas. As the case wound its way through the legal system, and all the way up to the California Supreme Court, little Cameron became a not so little teenager. Cameron apparently decided he preferred to leave Las Vegas to live back in San Luis Obispo County, so he moved back and began living with his dad. The 800-pound gorilla made his choice.

Does this mean that 12-year-old children have the final say regarding which divorced parent they want to live with? As far as the law is concerned, the answer is probably no. Remember, however, that Cameron became a teenager while this case went from the trial court to the California Supreme Court, and that changed everything from a practical standpoint.

California Family Code Section 3042 provides that courts shall consider the preference of a child in making custody orders if that child is of sufficient age and capacity to reason so as to form an intelligent preference as to custody. The practical implication of this Code Section is that teenage children become the 800-pound gorillas in divorce and post-dovorce cases. Something to think about before spending the time, money and emotional capital fighting over custody of your teenage children. An alternative for families in confilict with teenage children is family counseling.

Non custodial parents should embrace texting because it can keep them in touch with their child/children. Sometimes just letting them know you are thinking about them is enough. You can text from your phone, but there is also a service called 3Jam.com that allows you to send and receive text messages from your computer. A friend of mine uses this service to have a text message waiting for his daughter every morning.

Of course, texting is not a replacement for a personal relationship with your child, and it should not be overused. Teenagers have notoriously short attention spans and hate to be embarrassed by their parents in social settings. However, texting can be a valuable method of staying in touch during those times when your child is not in your custody. Even better, send your child an old fashioned letter or card even if you live in the same community—just because.